Control in BDSM - A personal perspective from a female submissive.

The word control means to exert an influence over something or someone, to bend him/her or it to your will. To dominate, to guide, to direct, to discipline; all of these words accurately describe what control means.

For me, living in a 24/7 D/s relationship, control is an integral part of every single day.

i used to struggle with the concept of control and why i need it so much in my life, having had a domineering, controlling father, and having rebelled against that in my childhood and adolescence, why do i now, as a grown woman, crave the very thing i fought so hard against? i know that it was a different situation, i had no choice, but why do i choose it now? In reality, i am a fairly outgoing, and outspoken person, why do i choose submission?

Whole, complete, and true to myself

Why does being with a Master who has total control over my life make me feel whole, complete and true to myself? i don't understand it, i just know and accept that i have a burning need for that control.

It feels right to sit at Master's feet, to know that it is my place. It feels right when Master physically controls me by grabbing my hair and holding me still; it feels right when He has control of my body and it feels right when He has control of my mind, when He controls my everyday life.

i don't have to think - i just am, i just do, i just want to serve, to please Him - that is what i exist for, that is the reason i am here. i don't do things for me. i clean the house for Master, i do the shopping for Him, because He needs it. i don't have to think about it, i just do it because He wishes it, because i need to please Him, because He has the control over me.

My perception of control in a D/s relationship is that i, as a sub, give the control of myself to my Master. i must trust Him to know what is right for me, and how best to train me to serve Him properly, in the manner He wishes.

i am giving control of my mind, body and soul to Him, my whole self, not just a part of me. He accepts my gift, and cherishes it, and gives me the things that fill my needs, at the same time filling His own. Once i have given control to my Master, He can teach me to serve Him, to meet His needs in the best way i can. Without the control, that would be impossible. The control is the fundamental basis for any D/s relationship, because without it the power exchange would not exist, the control is what makes the dynamics of a D/s relationship work.

My gift to Master

So the control is what i surrender, it is my gift to Master. i want and need to be guided in my life, and Master chooses the path i take. He gives me structure in my life so that i am constantly being reminded of Him, and of who and what i am.

Following His instructions about things gives me security, and that security reminds me of my submission to Him. Even if it is something as simple as eating what He tells me to and not what i might want to eat, Or something like serving His tea while on my knees - that makes me feel so submissive. Being denied orgasm when He knows how much i need it, is another way of Him controlling me. For me to be denied, as frustrating as it is, gives me the feelings i need and crave of being controlled. i really feel His control in a situation like that - i never orgasm without permission, that is the control He has over me.

i need to have structure, rules, and guidelines, to be told to do this or that, and to know that if i don't then there will be consequences. i need to have to ask to use the toilet, to ask for a drink, to ask to put on my socks, take off my jumper etc….. and i need to know that asking may often not get a “yes” response, and that if it's a “no“, then i must accept that and wait, until Master decides that i may do it.

i know that it is not a democratic situation as in other types of relationships. It is a dictatorship and Master is the boss. No question, no hesitation, and i must submit to that dictatorship, it is the basis for our relationship. i crave the domination and control, it isn't a want, like eating pizza or chocolate, it is a need, that burns deep within my soul. i know in my heart, that i cannot have a happy and fulfilled life without being able to fill the need to be dominated and controlled. i know that i feel lost without it, i have no direction, my mind wanders, i cannot focus on things, and i can't see clearly.

Just one touch

Although i feel that submission is not all about sex, the mixture of mental, physical and emotional aspects of submission touches my sexuality intensely in ways that i cannot explain. i understand that even when it is not a sexual encounter it affects me deeply, in the most powerful of ways. Just a word from Master can leave me soaking wet and aching, my need of His control is so great.

It isn't just about physical control either - there is a lot of mind control, which goes much deeper than the physical. An example is that Master has trained me to orgasm when He touches the little finger on my left hand. i cannot stop it, no matter how hard i try. It doesn't matter what the situation or where we are, if He touches it, i orgasm.

There are a lot of people who would see submission as being used, or as a sign of weakness, but i don't see it that way. To me, i want the feeling of being obedient and controlled, forgetting about my own pleasures to give pleasure to my Master. It takes great strength to be a sub, to give up the control of your life, to put that in someone else's hands, and it can be scary knowing you are doing that.
It doesn't have to be a humiliating, demeaning, or degrading experience and it doesn't in anyway make me a doormat. Submission is liberating - it gives me the freedom to be myself in a truly safe environment.

kim
Property of Master Joe