Bondage in BDSM - What is it?

Most people have come across bondage in some form or another, whether it's a print or film image of a leather-bound and gagged submissive or their own fantasy of binding their lover's wrists to the bedposts with a silken cord. Although bondage is largely associated with the physical aspects of erotic restraint - cuffs, ropes, chains and leather - it has a significant psychological dimension. Bondage is one of the most popular means of expressing the power exchange at the heart of the relationship between a dominant and a submissive.

Many people who have no real interest in BDSM have participated in bondage in some form or another, even if it was only that time they were so overwhelmed with sexual passion that they squeezed their lover ever so tightly or pinned their arms to the bed.

Erotic bondage isn't sick, perverted or evil, but is merely an extension of ordinary urges and connections that are experienced by everyone. For some people, bondage is a means of experiencing heightened sexual sensations and pleasure, for others it is an occasional spicy game they like to play, and for still others it is an integral part of their lifestyle, as essential to their wellbeing as eating and sleeping.

The term 'bondage' is representative of a whole spectrum of techniques and behaviours, and there are just as many ways of doing it as there are types of people who do it.


What is bondage?

Bondage means different things to different people, but it can be simply and accurately defined with one word: restraint. Bondage involves restricting someone's freedom of movement by using physical restraints or devices. This can be achieved by using whatever might be found in the house (common household items that can be utilised in this fashion are known as 'pervertibles') or may involve the purchase of specialised equipment.

Numerous studies of sexuality have found that conquest and captivity scenarios are popular sexual fantasies. Bondage is probably the most common kinky or alternate sensual activity because even relatively straight lovers are aware of - and intrigued by - the eroticism inherent in being physically restrained.

Like most other forms of sensual pleasure, bondage has been around for a long, long time. Many people will be familiar with the image of the slave, bound hand and foot, a practice that has been in existence since ancient times. The Koka Shastra (ca. 12th century) contains references to women that Alex Comfort has translated as meaning 'skilled in bondage' and the sex manuals of both China and Japan include descriptions of bondage. Japanese rope bondage (Shibari) has continued into modern times, and has evolved into an erotic art form that is studiously practiced amongst some bondage enthusiasts.

The urge to restrain can be observed in the animal kingdom. Many male quadrupeds (lions and other cats, dogs and wolves and horses) will seize the neck of the female in their teeth during mating, although this is intended more to prevent the female moving away than it is an attempt at seduction. And yet animals certainly display restraining behaviour during courtship - rams will extend a front leg at a ewe, primates engage in complicated rituals of dominance and submission, big cats and many other animals will hold the limbs or neck of a potential mate in their mouth.

It is possible that the uniquely human pursuit of bondage as a strictly-for-pleasure erotic endeavour actually has its roots in normal mammalian biological urges; just as the need for successful reproduction allows sexual intercourse to dominate and override survival impulses, so too does physically restraining someone - hence the link between restraint and eroticism.

Bondage often serves as the starting point for other kinds of erotic play, although it can be conducted as a feature in itself. 'Tie &tease' is the simplest and probably most common combination erotic activity involving bondage, where one person is bound and the other then proceeds to stimulate them with varying degrees of mercilessness, using anything from their hands, mouth and body to sex toys, feathers, ice cubes or even whips.

Bondage sessions - light or otherwise - may culminate in sexual intercourse, and many couples who pursue a relatively straightforward sex life may use a little light bondage as foreplay before proceeding to ordinary-style lovemaking. For many devoted bondage practitioners, the act of binding or being bound is the actual erotic objective of the exercise.

There is a continuum of bondage practises, which range from the tie and tease activities (or 'Bondage-Lite' as it is sometimes known) pursued by even the most non-kinky couples to those involving hoists, racks and other custom-built equipment found in dedicated bondage venues known as dungeons.

What it isn't

Bondage isn't abuse, it isn't torture and it isn't about violence. It is an erotic endeavour undertaken by two consenting informed adults, that involves love, respect and trust. Although there is a power-exchange inherent in bondage activities, this needs to be distinguished from the psychological or physical manipulation that is at the crux of abusive relationships. Erotic bondage is undertaken for pleasure and may include other sexual activity, but the emphasis is always on consent. The aim of bondage is to provide sensual pleasure for yourself and your lover because that is what makes both of you happy.

If you are not attracted to the idea it can be difficult to understand why people enjoy bondage. There are a number of reasons for this, including the most basic one - being bound and helpless goes against the survival instinct, and most of the images we are exposed to depicting bound humans are those of victims of kidnapping, war or terrorism that are screened on the 6 o'clock news.

For those who haven't tried bondage, or aren't into it, it is these images that pop into their brains when confronted with someone who does enjoy it. This means that they are trying to understand why people eroticise bondage from an impossible position. Victims of kidnapping or other abuse have been violated, because they haven't consented to what has been done to them, they don't enjoy it, and are often terrified for their lives. There are no victims in erotic bondage.

Another reason is that everyone struggles to understand what turns another person on, and this isn't limited only to people who enjoy bondage versus the very straight. Even within the realms of alternative sex it can be a stretch to empathise with someone else's kink. Someone who likes to be restrained for sexual pleasure may think that a person with a shoe fetish is a bit of a freak. This is actually a pretty normal response - whether it is politics, religion, sexual proclivities or even the flavour of ice-cream someone prefers, people tend to measure everyone else by their own inner beliefs and feelings, and find it hard to empathise with a different point of view.